Imagine

Imagine that you wake up everyday
and realize something new
be it bad
or good
something as small as needing to lose more body fat
or realizing you stopped "carpe diem" somewhere in the past
to always regret and realize past mistakes

man
if i could only not realize things my life would be so dandy
ignorance is bliss.

new feeling

well
NYC is quite tired
and I think its about time I go back.
I love the city.
But I think its time to see some familiar faces
Ones that really put me at ease.
People I 100% trust.
I feel like the 'old' Van is coming back.
The one that is sharp
but I will try to continue to not be so critical.
I feel like I'm making progress in a lot of things.
And I'm done being the victim.
New York chewed me out.
Hopefully I can take full advantage of Utah.
But I plan to enter the gay scene again.
Head first.
No pun intended.
I just feel like I'm not taken seriously
and I guess its kind of my fault cuz I'm so careful about my social life
people not meeting over people
i've just been hurt alot

Ideal Gay, really

The Ideal Gay, really (short essay)
I had the pleasure of reading a little article in Details magazine called “The Rise of the A-Gay”. “Moneyed, successful, educated, and comfortable in their own skin they’re fast becoming the new archetype of cosmopolitan masculinity,” an expert string about the new stylish, athletic species of male “master-of-the-universe types,” the A-Gay. It goes on to mention models of this ‘ideal gays,’ mentioning Marc Jacobs and Tom Ford, them being poster boys of the A. To top it all off, the article mentions a grading system of gay men. There is the A gay, B gay, and C gay, mentioning the particular characteristics of each level of the system. The article was cheeky and logical in its explanation, readers actually being able to recognize and formulate where they were on the grading system. I found the read empowering and gives gay people a positive model to aspire to. “Out but not loud, proud but discreet, they transcend gayness in much the same way that Barack Obama is said to transcended race,” the article is great in it’s explanation of the A-Gay.
I’m vigilant when it comes to the gay rights movement but what is tragic is that the biggest threat to the gay rights movement is gay people themselves. The ultimate deciding factor about why gay people aren’t granted civil rights is because they aren’t assimilated into society. Instead of a social group defined about their orientation, I see gay people as an entire society in itself. Advertising in the media has portrayed gay men as sexual deviants that sleep with random partners because they are just so damn horny. This archaic portrayal of gay men is rooted from the 1970s and the very strict laws against sodomy brought men to their knees in discreet bathhouses, and speakeasies that made partaking in gay sex requiring a high level of anonymousness. Until of recently, with laws protecting gays about discrimination that gay men can openly be ‘out’ but not be attacked. But this old portrayal still lives on in advertising and the media. More so the media is far reaching and this negative portrayal reaches the young 13-year-old boy who is coming to terms with his sexuality. The tragedy is that we, gay men, feed ourselves into the media’s cookie cutter gay and we don’t even know it.
“We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it,” has become the slogan of the gay rights movement. Get used to the Drag Queen, shirtless men in leather chaps, and the disorientating barrage of sexual energy at pretty much every gay event, and only at a gay event. Never would you see this behavior at cultural event like, Asian Pride, or Navajo Tribal etc. Gays don’t transcend, they don’t assimilate into society, and what makes it worse is that they don’t want to. 10 years ago, if you asked anyone if the US would have a black president, they laugh, for example Head of State featuring Chris Rock. Can we say the same thing about a gay president? Definitely no with gay cultural climate how it is today.

Break

Breaking up is always hard.
An icy feeling always comes over me.
Even one's that don't last very long.
The dramatic life of Van as everyone says.
I'm a regular circus show.

Maybe I just have to much going on.
I just decided to end it.
It wasn't hard.
We exchanged words.
We exchanged feelings.
And they didn't match up.
I always feel bad.
I didn't break it.
He didn't break it.
Time broke it.
Maybe it could of been different. But that's life.

I love the Yeah Yeah Yeahs so much.
They always have a song that can catch my mood.
Hysteric really connects to me right now.
Even though it's about finding your soulmate.
I find that it relates.
I feel like I did something wrong. Deep down.
"I like you alot.. I just hope over the break you'll find out you like me back."
Maybe you are right Sean.
It was fun.

1 year

if someone told me that in 1 year
that i would be at this point in my life
i would prob. of laughed at them

today marks the 1 year anniversary
of my life changing
process into something better
my rebirth (if you will)
from a year of turmoil and emotional shit

from boyfriends, school, graduation
fear of the future. uncertainty

today marks the 1 year anniversary
that i decided to no longer be the victim
and to start creating something for myself

man
i'm excellent

Gay Rights Manifesto

So I already wrote about this topic but I feel that this is better, and shorter. I'm a bad writer, but I think my point gets across.

Gay Rights Manifesto

I am annoyed at the state of the gay right’s movement. Something that affects many people has become a parade, a show of sex driven machines and Halloween costume wearing fat men. How effective is a parade of men wearing dresses when it comes to something as serious as federal level change in civil rights. What the Gay right’s movement loses in context to the civil right’s movement is substance. Substance in a figurehead, substance in a their methods of change, substance in their people. The gay right’s movement lacks substance.

When history looks at the civil right’s movement, it looks at Martin Luther King Jr. The gay right’s movement lacks a “Martin Luther King Jr.” There are no substantial figureheads that have taken the lead of the gay right’s movement. There is a rise in celebrity advocates like Ellen Degenerous but nothing like Martin Luther King Jr.

The gay right’s movement method of change is that the gay people are victimized and then they sue. Never is it an aggressive progressive attack on civil right’s inequalities such as not being able to ride a bus because of their color. Instead the gays are first victimized and then legally combat the attacker. The difference is that African-American’s fought with equality, to be recognized as equals to white and should be able to ride the bus. The gay right’s movement fights for their civil rights through branding people homophobic and insensitive to changing perspectives to gays. Instead of changing minds, the gays try to force civil rights. Where were the gays when proposition 8 was in ballot? Proposition 8 being passed in liberal California is ridiculous. Gays are not branding the black vote insensitive to the same civil rights plights they both shared.

Go to any gay right’s protest and what you will hear is, “We’re Here, We’re Queer, Get Used to it!” Get used to what? Gay right’s protest are filled with half naked gay men, Drag queens, etc, it’s quite a sight to be seen. It is certainly not a place to take the children. African American’s have been assimilated into society in such a way that we no longer factor their color when having a social interaction. However everyone knows when someone is gay, everyone has a “gaydar.” Why does everyone have a gaydar? Because being gay has become a pretentious aspiration to become what the media portrays. The people, including gays, see what the media portrays and it has gone to the point that we not only recognize it in television but in the gays around us. Why do Gays have a gay pride day? African American doesn’t have a Black Pride day. Gays have become something to be recognized, not the regular gay Joe, but the sexually active, physically perfect, well-groomed, gay Joe.

Where does that leave me? Will I ever get equal civil rights when my peers go about tarnishing how gays are perceived? Maybe one day the activities and what homosexuality today stands for will align with social’s current norms. But until that day, we are doomed to be second-class citizens until we desperate ourselves by changing out of our very alternative lifestyles.

dear self

i am going to set goals for myself that are the best for ME.

i am not:

1. going to base my decision on the greatest person in the world, Zach.

2. am not going to be a dramatic homosexual

3. talk about math in front of zach like he knows what you are talking about

4. make your decision soon about either leaving Parsons soon or not

Balance

My life has always been about an imbalance between my social life and my academic life.
Make a new best friend. Get a bad grade on a report.
Do something fun. Fail an assignment.
My ability to become passionate in something is amazingly
dangerous
to my function as a human being.
I hate it whenever my life becomes derailed by uncertainty
and i especially hate it when my life is somewhere I can't figure out.
And in new york. I feel it especially.
I always feel that my life isn't where I want it to be.
But I aspire to be something that takes years to gain.

I guess why I'm venting so much is because of my state of mind today. February 26, 2009.
Today I woke up late, DIdn't shower. Didn't eat Breakfast. Didn't do a book report. All because of what?
To do something with friends? Nap?
I'm not leveling with my Design Seminar teacher for some retarded reasons. Maybe she's to vague
Maybe I'm to vague. Why did I get a bad grade on something when... IDK IDK anymore
I feel my edge slipping.
I knew after today. I had to do some soul searching.

I feel my looks slipping.
I don't go to the gym as often.
Grooming down the drain.

SOMETHING HAPPENED. SOMETHING CHANGED.
IDK what it is. But I just lost my will power.

God I feel just writing this helps already.

Everything in my life i in turmoil.
But I'm letting it victimize me.

On a side note.
I made a really good friend.
<3

Utah

so
as i was getting ready for the day
that means
showering
flossing
brushing
cleaning
etc

i was encountered by my brother
who proceeded with questioning me about my activities
like it's something u don't do in the morning...
i answered by telling him i'm getting ready for the day
as he looked at me in a peculiar manner
i realized that
maybe i'm doing something that is actually new york in nature
after all
i did wake up quite early MST
which i find that most people actually wake up past the afternoon hour at my humble home
and it is safe to say most people in utah don't get "ready" until the afternoon hour
i asked him
why my activities were peculiar
and he thought i was going out
which again was strange to me
of course this common every day routine happened even before i went to new york
but of course new york has added even more to the rigger
but what i find interesting is the fact of
getting ready
equates to going out in utah
of course in new york it is quite the same

meaning u get ready to go out
but in new york
something as mundane as getting something from the corner stone
is met with a full on morning routine in terms of getting ready
so
systematically if one is to think of it

utah goes out when it's time to go out
in new york you are out all the time

so people tend to
let themselves go until it is time to go out
of course when one doesn't have much
things to go out to
this would lead to more letting go

which in new york is vice versa

as such
i've concluded that the reason utah is the fattest state in the US
and fucking boring

is because the people are lazy assholes.

Van Dy

PS WHERE THE FUCK IS THE DAMN LOTION and MOUTH WASH AROUND HERE!?

friends

i need new friends

approaching

the past few days

a thought has been nagging at me

it has to do with self esteem and paranoia

a little background

i've never been extremely comfortable with myself. be it my skin tone or weight, or w/e

i've never 100% been comfortable with myself

especially right after graduation when i went through depression

i never felt so shitty about myself

i gained weight

etc etc

but around Feb when I went to Paris

instead of being the victim, and what is worse, accepting i was the victim to the forces of life

i

decided to take control of my life.

and i lost all the weight

and all that good stuff

and gained a lot of confidence in myself and my abilities.

now that new sense of self being still resonates in me. and i have the confidence to make friends with anyone i want.

but

this new self confidence still doesn't radiate when i'm in the presence of someone i would like to approach

on the first date I have that confidence

but when I have to approach a guy it's different.

but i never have this issue if i want to approach someone as friends.

but this problem

like any problem in my right

i use my cognitive scorpio powers of will power and understanding of the universe to solve it

and this thought has be the antidote to the problem

i'm young

i'm cute and stylish

I have a nicer body

and one day... I'll be old.

And so what if I'm younger.

One day I'll be as old as him.

And I won't be young.

I need to exploit my youth

but not be slutty.

Keep my values in mind.

But gain companions.

basically

i'm young and i'll be rejected by tons of people

but you never know

plus i prob won't be rejected

cuz i'm Van

shit son.