approaching

the past few days

a thought has been nagging at me

it has to do with self esteem and paranoia

a little background

i've never been extremely comfortable with myself. be it my skin tone or weight, or w/e

i've never 100% been comfortable with myself

especially right after graduation when i went through depression

i never felt so shitty about myself

i gained weight

etc etc

but around Feb when I went to Paris

instead of being the victim, and what is worse, accepting i was the victim to the forces of life

i

decided to take control of my life.

and i lost all the weight

and all that good stuff

and gained a lot of confidence in myself and my abilities.

now that new sense of self being still resonates in me. and i have the confidence to make friends with anyone i want.

but

this new self confidence still doesn't radiate when i'm in the presence of someone i would like to approach

on the first date I have that confidence

but when I have to approach a guy it's different.

but i never have this issue if i want to approach someone as friends.

but this problem

like any problem in my right

i use my cognitive scorpio powers of will power and understanding of the universe to solve it

and this thought has be the antidote to the problem

i'm young

i'm cute and stylish

I have a nicer body

and one day... I'll be old.

And so what if I'm younger.

One day I'll be as old as him.

And I won't be young.

I need to exploit my youth

but not be slutty.

Keep my values in mind.

But gain companions.

basically

i'm young and i'll be rejected by tons of people

but you never know

plus i prob won't be rejected

cuz i'm Van

shit son.